Finding Peace: Navigating Parental Guilt

Parental guilt is a real thing. A very real thing. As a matter of fact, recent studies show that as much as 94% of moms and 50% of dads feel parenting-related guilt. Staggering numbers! And the numbers only increase for parents of children who think and learn differently - including those with Autism.

Understanding Parental Guilt in Autism Parenting

Parenting guilt is like an unwelcome house guest that overstays its welcome. For parents of children with Autism, this guilt often stems from a variety of sources:

• Comparisons: It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing your child’s development to that of neurotypical children or even other children on the spectrum.

• Self-blame: Many parents struggle with thoughts like “Did I cause this?” or “Could I have prevented it somehow?” It doesn't help that many people, though they might mean well, often ask questions or offer misguided advice that inadvertently blames the parent for the child's disability; for instance, asking whether the parent vaccinated the child or implying that Autism could have been prevented had the parent had a stronger disciplinary style.

• Uncertainty: The Autism spectrum is vast, and what works for one child may not work for another. This uncertainty can lead to constant second-guessing of decisions.

• Societal expectations: We live in a world that fails to comprehend Autism and judges our children and our parenting, generating a perfect storm of guilt for parents.

The unique challenges of Autism parenting can amplify these feelings. Communication difficulties, behavioral issues, and the constant advocacy required can leave parents feeling overwhelmed and inadequate.

The Impact of Guilt and Shame

If guilt and shame are left unaddressed they can severely affect the parent’s mental health and welfare. It’s as if you had a large bag on your back; it slows you down and makes all endeavors less manageable. This emotional burden can lead to:

• Increased stress and anxiety

• Depression

• Burnout

• Strained relationships

Furthermore, these feelings may affect the methods of upbringing children. Others may turn extremely permissive due to guilt while others become harsh to overcompensate what they view as their shortcomings. Both are harmful: on the one hand, children need routines and boundaries to understand how to behave in society; on the other hand, it is important to set realistic expectations based on the developmental age and stage of the child (not the chronological one). For instance, Becca is five years old. However, there are many areas in her development where she has not reached milestones consistent with her chronological age. If I were to parent her as I would a neurotypical five year old, I will frustrate both her and myself. While I do struggle with my own "mom guilt", and whether I am doing a good job, and whether I should be doing more, as most mothers apparently do, I have to take a step back and remember that with patience, understanding, and the right approach, Becca can - and will - learn.

Tips for Dealing with Guilt

Having defined the problem we must now proceed to discuss the solutions. Here are some strategies for managing parental guilt:

• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. Remember, you’re doing your best in a challenging situation.

• Seek support: Connect with other parents who understand your journey. Support groups, both online and in-person, can be invaluable resources.

• Educate yourself: Knowledge is power. The more you understand about Autism, the better equipped you’ll be to make informed decisions and feel confident in your choices.

• Know what works (and doesn't work) for your child: Remember this - Autism exists on a spectrum, and what works for one child will not necessarily work for the next. As the common phrase goes, if you know one person with Autism, you know one person with Autism. There are so many resources out there on how to navigate sensory challenges, or behavioral issues, or nutrition advice - what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, when not to eat - even the latest products and why they are helpful or not helpful. The issue is that depending on who you're following the advice all conflicts with one another, and can be a source of anxiety for many parents. There is so much information out there and everyone has an opinion, and so it is your job as the parent and advocate of your child to take in the information and filter it since you are the expert on your child. Only you know what will work or not work for your individual child. The people who are offering advice most often are well-meaning, but don't have the context that you do, and so they are making recommendations with incomplete information. Next time you feel anxiety with the overwhelming amount of advice out there, remember this: no professional, no influencer, no therapist or teacher, nobody knows your child the way you do. You're doing the best you can with the information available to you.

• Challenge negative thoughts: When guilt creeps in, ask yourself: “Is this thought helpful? Is it based on facts or fears?”

• Focus on the present: Mental concentration and focusing exercises could also be employed in order to prevent you from constantly ruminating about past decisions as well as constantly worrying about the future.

At the end of the day, I had to come to a place where I had to acknowledge that Autism is part of Becca's journey; it is part of her story. But Becca is not defined by Autism. We are raising a child - a human being - not a diagnosis. And so our relationship with Becca is not defined by her Autism, nor are her accomplishments and all that she is and will become. And we celebrate her in all of her achievements. With every word said, every smile and eye contact, every instruction followed, we recognize her and rejoice with her, no matter how small these achievements might seem to others. Progress is progress!

This journey can be a challenging one, and parental guilt seems like par for the course. It doesn't have to rule our lives. Through a lot of prayer and our amazing support system we are able to keep things in perspective. We also know that there are resources available that we can seek out if we need to speak with a professional to help navigate these complex feelings.

Feeling parental guilt is not a sign of weakness. It is a natural part of the parenting journey, and I am convinced that it stems from the desire to be the best parent you can be. You’re not just parenting – you’re embarking on a journey of growth, learning, and unconditional love. It’s okay to stumble sometimes. What matters most is that you keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need you – with all your doubts, fears, and incredible capacity for love. So be kind to yourself. You’re doing better than you think.