I used to work in an alternative high school in Harlem. The school was designed for students who were overage and under-credited and were in need of more targeted support to complete their High School diplomas. While I was there, we had a new Principal - we will call him Mr. D - join the team. I will never forget when he implemented a new attendance policy for our upcoming summer session - one absence and the student would be removed from the summer program.
If you're familiar with "transfer" high schools, as they are called in New York City, you will know that students in these schools often struggle with attendance. It is not uncommon for transfer schools to have an average daily attendance in the 50%-60% range. The attendance policy that was being proposed was radical, and most of us on staff voiced our concern that it would result in the majority of students unable to complete the summer session.
But in response, Mr. D said something that I will never forget. "Set the standard high and students will rise to meet it". He expressed that part of the reason why so many students were missing school is because we had lowered the expectations for these students - in most cases subconsciously - due to the many challenges they had experienced in their previous schools and in their personal lives. He was convinced that if we raised our expectations and implemented rigorous academic policies, the students would rise to the challenge.
In the first week of summer session, several students missed school. We provided Mr. D with a list and he sat with us to inform the students that they would not be allowed to continue in the program. The students pushed back and gave all sorts of reasons why their absences were legitimate. Doctor's appointments, court cases, sickness, but no reason was a "good enough" reason to keep the students in the summer program. They all knew what the policy was, and after that first week, they knew that the school was going to implement the policy with fidelity.
And even though a lot of the staff didn't agree, and some even left to other schools, those of us who stuck around saw results that we never saw before. When the school raised the expectations, students started coming to school, attending classes, completing their portfolios, and the school - which had been identified for closure due to poor academic outcomes - began to thrive and is still open almost 20 years later.
This is my philosophy when dealing with Becca. Keep the bar high and she will rise to meet it. So many parents lower their expectations when it comes to their child's behavior. Many limit rules for their Autistic children and for various reasons. They may feel that their child is incapable of better behavior due to lack of understanding, some may feel that they are causing some long-term emotional damage if they try to discipline, and still others may be afraid of a tantrum or meltdown. But regardless of the reason, if we don't provide structure or set expectations with our Autistic children we are doing them a disservice and limiting their growth, and let's face it - if the child was NOT Autistic, we would have set these boundaries a long time ago.
If there is one thing that children (with or without Autism) absolutely need to thrive, it’s structure and discipline. A lack of adult involvement in creating a safe, structured, and orderly world can be frightening and overwhelm the child. Yes, it’s easier to avoid disciplining an Autistic child. And it’s tempting to assume that an Autistic child is incapable of understanding or following rules.
Those rules may need to be modified or bent, depending upon the circumstances. But a child who is raised or educated without the benefit of structure and discipline is almost certain to live with the consequences as they grow up, and find it impossible to integrate into the community or the workplace. In the vast majority of cases, Autistic children are capable of understanding and complying with basic rules of conduct.
Myths that Prevent Parents from Holding Their Autistic Children Accountable
“A child who cannot talk cannot understand.”
Many people hold to the idea that verbal communication is a sign of intelligence. Therefore, they may make assumptions about cognitive ability and behavior in Autistic kids with limited verbal skills.
Instead, parents or guardians may need to modify their style of communication to meet the needs of a child with limited or no verbal skills. For example, a guardian may need to keep words simple: “no hitting,” as opposed to “now, you know that we don’t hit in this house."
Parents also may need to use the child’s preferred means of communication. For most adults, modifications such as these should be easy to accomplish.
Even a child with no words may be quite capable of understanding and complying with behavioral expectations, assuming that the child can communicate via gestures, sign language, communication board, PECS cards, or other means. It's also important to remember to give the child some time to process what is being communicated to them and to have patience!
Becca may not communicate verbally, and in her earlier years it was challenging to determine whether or not she could understand us. But now, at five years old, I know based on her interactions with us and her responses to our communication that she understands what we are saying to her. Therefore, we make the effort to correct behaviors as they arise, to explain in a way that she can understand.
“Autistic children never misbehave without good reason.”
It is certainly true that many Autistic children respond strongly to sensory input, and may show their discomfort through what appear to be naughty behaviors. It’s also true that Autistic kids are more vulnerable to bullying than their neurotypical peers, which may not be obvious to an adult in the room. So, yes, sometimes “behaviors” are the result of problems that can and should be addressed. Nevertheless, Autistic children are still children. They get angry and hit. They throw things that shouldn’t be thrown. They put their hands in their food or dump their food on the floor.
Just like other children, Autistic kids need to learn that disruptive behaviors are not acceptable and that there are alternative ways to communicate feelings and needs.
It's important to set the expectations and communicate them in a way that is consistent with the child's developmental age, and not necessarily their chronological age. Otherwise, you may find yourself frustrated or triggering meltdowns when the child has trouble meeting the standards that have been set for him or her. Implement structure and expectations, but keep in mind that these expectations should be achievable for the child.
“Autistic children don’t understand consequences.”
Not so! It is critical to design consequences so that they fit the child and the situation. It may be tough for an Autistic child to understand or comply with a quiet time-out, but that same child may be capable of understanding and complying with time away from video games.
Consequences often differ for Autistic children. For instance, grounding may not be a meaningful consequence for a child who prefers time alone, whereas a short break from television may get the point across quickly.
Every child deserves the respect and support represented by clear structure, consistent rules, and discipline. These tools, along with some flexibility, patience, and imagination, can help an autistic child to understand their world and feel safe and confident as they grow up, while avoiding inappropriate discipline techniques like physical punishment.
“It’s unfair to discipline a child with a disability.”
Of course, it is unfair to discipline a child for things they cannot control. So, for example, scolding an Autistic child for “stimming” or making noise may well be unreasonable. These are behaviors that are part of being Autistic, and it may be nearly impossible for the child to simply “extinguish” those behaviors. And I personally do not advocate for reducing stimming anyway; see my blog post "To Stim or Not To Stim" for more information!
It is necessary and fair to teach an Autistic child that intentional misbehavior is unacceptable. And it's equally important to teach an Autistic child when misbehavior that is unintended is inappropriate, so that they can learn what is socially acceptable and what is not. Allowing such behaviors to continue because of Autism creates new behavioral and social problems.
So what are some specific strategies we use to teach Becca?
We don't indulge tantrums. It is important to understand the difference between a tantrum (which she might attempt when she doesn't get her way) versus a meltdown (which is not under her control and happens due to overstimulation). But in the case where she is attempting to get her way by throwing a tantrum, we do not indulge it. She has to learn that there are other, more acceptable ways, of requesting what she wants. And to be clear, it isn't simply that we don't give in to her, what I am saying is that we actually don't engage it at all except to reiterate to her (calmly) that what she is doing is inappropriate. Only once she calms down do we engage her and remind her that there are better ways of requesting what she wants.
We correct behavior in the moment. It's important for Becca to connect the consequence with the action, which she may not be able to do if we wait until later to correct her.
Consistency in rules, both as it relates to caregivers and as it relates to the rules themselves. You can't enforce a rule one day and then choose not to enforce it the next day because it's confusing for the kiddos. And Autistic children thrive on routines and the predictable. Inconsistency can actually limit their growth.
So when it comes to our children, I say as Mr. D did. Set the standards high. Our Becca is living proof that our kiddos will rise to the challenge. And as they continue to learn and grow, they will blossom into the wonderful people God intends for them to be.
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