Children, Popcorn, and The Dangers of Comparison

I have seen this great quote circulating on social media for some years now, and every now and again I think about it: Popcorn is prepared in the same pot, in the same heat, in the same oil and yet...the kernels do not pop at the same time. Don't compare your child to others. Their turn to pop is coming.

Now I don't know who originated this quote, but God certainly granted that person a great deal of wisdom. Such a great way to remind us that comparison is the thief of joy.

As parents, we are under so much pressure to make sure that our children develop according to certain timelines. We are told how to interact, what to teach, what to feed them and what not to feed them, right down to the kinds of fabrics they should and should not wear. The CDC tells us when they should start walking, and speaking, and pointing, and laughing and rolling over, and when we take them to the doctor, they ask us all sorts of questions that, while they mean well and have their purposes, in practice they ultimately minimize our children to little more than data points.

Of course, the milestones are indicators that help us identify developmental delays - and it was precisely this schedule of milestones that first alerted us that Becca might be Autistic. But the milestones were also a considerable source of stress. Of course, we want the best for our children and so we want them to meet their developmental milestones. It can be distressing for a parent to think that their child may have some sort of developmental disability. But I stressed out so much over these milestones that it affected my ability to be fully present when spending time with Becca. I spent all of my time researching the milestones, as if somehow learning more about the milestones would help Becca reach them any faster. Then, when we had a confirmed diagnosis, I would ask other parents of Autistic children who were older than Becca about their children's timelines: When did they learn to speak? By when were they potty trained? When did they start following directions? By when did you have a sense that your child could understand what you were saying? As if the answers to these questions would somehow set an expectation for when Becca would reach those milestones herself. But then when a parent said to me that her Autistic son started "speaking late", which was at almost 3, and Becca turned 3 and was still nonverbal, it depressed me. After Early Intervention, and reading, and making animal sounds, and pointing to and naming body parts, and speaking at eye level and doing all sorts of things that, according to experts, should have helped her to start speaking, she was still nonverbal. And the sadness we felt with that prevented us from fully celebrating all of the amazing strides she had made in (at the time) just over a year since her initial diagnosis.

I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back on the earliest years of the diagnosis (which honestly wasn't even that long ago), I think that it actually did take me some time to get to the point where I was parenting Becca and not her diagnosis. Becca is a child, just like any other. And if all I choose to see is my child's Autism, then all I will ever see is my child's Autism. And if I try to force her into some timeline because some expert said or because that other parent's child did or for whatever other reason, not only will I be disappointed, but I will miss out on the joy of all things Becca.

Today, Becca is five years old and in school. She is learning her alphabet and how to write her letters. She is potty training. She interacts with us, she comes to us when we call her, she cooperates with dressing and undressing, she has a lot more patience, she can match and do puzzles, she can sit still when needed, she sings along with songs.

Yes, she is nonverbal. That particular kernel hasn't popped yet. But until it does, we will enjoy and delight in all the other kernels that seem to pop with each passing day.