Autism, Parental Burnout, and Imposter Syndrome

Neurodivergent families face a lot of obstacles that arise in part from trying to function as “expected” in societies and systems that don’t necessarily work for them and their needs. Parents may be straining to support multiple family members with different or conflicting needs; trying to parent their kids in effective ways without sacrificing their child’s well-being, and attempting to meet their own needs and keep their own heads above water. 

For parents, the push-pull of trying to fit square pegs into the round holes of daily life while not damaging the pegs in the process can be overwhelming and depleting. Moreover, parents of Autistic children are often provided with inadequate information, guidance, and support to help them with these challenges. Input and advice from friends, family members, and even professionals, while usually well-intentioned, may be misguided and result in parents feeling more misunderstood, isolated, and abandoned in their efforts to support their kids and to have their own needs met as parents and as people.

Many motivated, high-achieving, committed parents struggle under the pressure of these challenges. We worry about our children's struggle to gain the skills needed to navigate life when we aren't around. We suffer when we watch our children struggle with daily tasks. We don't want our children to have a hard time navigating the world around them, and we feel the pressure to do everything we can to help them. We seek out new therapies and strategies, and follow the most popular social media influencers who focus on Autism, we join webinars and buy the latest Autism products, all so that we can see our children "catch up" to their neurotypical peers. The stress can impact relationships with friends, work performance, physical and mental health, and other areas of functioning. Over time, the influence of these life stressors without adequate support or resources to effectively address them can lead to parental burnout.

Parental burnout, also known as caregiver burnout, is the experience of feeling overwhelmed, drained, or depleted by parenting demands that chronically exceed parenting capacities or resources. Parents who experience burnout are distinguished by three key features unique to parental burnout including:

• extreme feelings of emotional and physical exhaustion related to parenting

• a loss of fulfillment from their parenting role

• emotional distancing from their children

  
  

Importantly, parents struggling with burnout also report that these feelings about their role as a mom, dad, or other caregiver are a significant contrast to how they previously felt about being a parent, before reaching a point of burnout. 

Note that consistent with other kinds of burnout, parental burnout is not a fleeting frustration or the reaction to a tough parenting day. Burnout represents a chronic experience of overwhelm resulting from an imbalance between parenting demands and the resources available to meet those demands. It is a response to chronic stress and exhaustion which eventually leads to detachment, depression, and even physical sickness. As the broader research community continues to explore the idea of parental burnout, understanding what might make a parent more vulnerable to burnout is important to support effective prevention and treatment efforts.

Recent research reported by the NIH has found that nearly 10% of parents experience episodes of parental burnout. During the pandemic, this number was as high as 77%, as parents had to meet the demands of caring for their children while navigating the sudden pivot to the online learning environment, while being enclosed in their homes, navigating the public health mandates while trying to remain calm for the benefit of their children and families, and neglecting their own self-care.

But even without the added pressures of a pandemic, parents of Autistic children often face an overwhelming array of pressures that significantly increase their risk of burnout. When I was pregnant with Becca and was preparing for motherhood, all of the mainstream advice I received was to help me to identify and care for the needs of neurotypical children. When Becca wasn't adhering to the childhood developmental milestones, and wasn't speaking or picking up language as expected, and wasn't even responding to her name, that introduced a whole set of challenges that I didn't expect. And while Becca is highly intelligent, she is still very young for her age, and so our parenting journey is not that of a parent with a neurotypical five-year-old girl. When I speak with other parents about their experiences with their own children, those experiences as well as mainstream parenting advice, or even feedback from doctors and other professionals often emphasizes particular parenting approaches better suited for neurotypical kids. However, needs of neurodivergent children may be different from neurotypical kids in many ways.

For instance, common parenting strategies designed for neurotypical children can actually be counterproductive for children with Autism. Putting a child who is throwing a tantrum on Time Out may be common practice, but can be disastrous for a child on the spectrum for a few reasons: (1) the child may not be able to make the connection between the behavior and the consequence, making a Time Out useless, (2) the child may actually prefer spending time alone, and so placing the child on Time Out might actually be preferable to the activity you were trying to engage in initially, (3) the child may actually be having an Autistic meltdown and not a tantrum, and so attempting to discipline the child during the meltdown will actually make the behavior worse. And so when mainstream parenting strategies don't work, parents may become confused, desperate, angry, and depressed, left to their own devices to try to figure out how best to meet the needs of their Autistic children in a world that doesn't fully understand them. These circumstances can leave parents feeling unsupported, misunderstood, and judged by people who have all the best intentions but don't really understand that children on the spectrum have a wide array of needs and that the strategies to meet those needs must be tailored to the child.

I have learned so much over these last five years about how best to support Becca, and the one lesson that I have learned is that while everyone has their opinions, not all opinions have equal weight. I have been told that I don't sacrifice enough for my daughter by parents who don't understand certain decisions I have made. I have been told that Becca's limited palate is just pickiness, and that she will eat when she is hungry (not true for many kids on the spectrum). I've been given looks by parents and their neurotypical children when Becca has had meltdowns or when she stims with excitement, or if she has had to take a break in a store...I've been told all sorts of things and been looked at all sorts of ways - especially by more "experienced" parents who have never had to deal with neurodivergent children and want to apply neurotypical strategies to neurodivergent individuals. I have to engage Becca in the way that Becca can understand. Communicating with her is communication in a completely different language. Since she is nonverbal, we communicate with a combination of words (me to her), sounds, gestures, photos, and music. I apply pressure and head massages to keep her calm when she is showing signs of overstimulation. I can't engage her the same way I would engage a neurotypical five year old. It just doesn't work. And unfortunately, we live in a world that doesn't fully understand this - and I have had to learn to be unapologetic in my support of Becca and a relentless advocate to get her what she needs. But it isn't easy, and it can be stressful, and can be emotionally draining.

Add to this the very real concern that many parents - mothers, in particular - have that they are frauds or failures at motherhood, because of the burden society places on women to enter into motherhood seamlessly and without difficulty. The truth is that motherhood is hard. We are constantly worried about making the best decisions for our children, without ever quite knowing what the best decision is. And we constantly worry about whether we did the right thing, if another decision would have been better, if our child would be further along developmentally if we had made a better decision, if we are somehow the reason our children aren't further along. And this will often lead to what is known as "Motherhood Imposter Syndrome" - the belief that we are deficient in the face of societal expectations. Mothers who struggle with Motherhood Imposter Syndrome secretly believe that they are fooling themselves and everyone around them, even when praised for their efforts or their strength. They will often struggle with parental guilt or worry that they are harming their children, sometimes resulting in instances of parental burnout.

So yes, I can relate and I can understand why parents of Autistic children have higher prevalence of chronic exhaustion, and why they are at higher risk of parental burnout. For the well-being of our children, we have to focus on the mental health and well-being of parents and caretakers. We can't pour from an empty cup. Fortunately, we can combat parental burnout and imposter syndrome by being intentional when we notice feelings of inadequacy creep up on us, by investing time in prayer, in self-care, and in taking specific steps to prioritize the many tasks that are vying for our attention.

Some steps we can take to combat parental burnout and imposter syndrome include:

• Acknowledging our feelings. This could be as simple as noticing when self-doubt arises and addressing it for what it is: merely a thought. Thoughts are not concrete, and are oftentimes far from factual. Remind yourself that there is no power within this sense of inferiority. Take some time in quiet reflection, journal your thoughts, take your feelings to prayer, engage in conversations with people you trust, and replace those negative thoughts with Truth.

• Not comparing our situation or our children with others. Comparison is one of the greatest thieves of joy. It’s important to understand that comparing how we feel on the inside with how others portray themselves externally is not realistic. How a woman acts outside of her home, in the presence of others, is not always a representation of how things are for them normally. A mother who looks composed in public with her children may be experiencing the same difficulties as we are when at home with her own family. Comparison leads to insecurity, and breaking this habit is critical to our well-being.

• Celebrating successes. When something goes well, celebrate! It’s important for parents to take the time to appreciate their own accomplishments, just as much as they would those of their children or spouse. Focusing only on the negative can lead to depression and burnout.

• Unfollowing triggering social media accounts. Remember that social media accounts are not always truthful. More often than not, people only post the positives; they don’t highlight the unexpected and hectic aspects of life with children.  Unfollow anyone who leaves you feeling inadequate or less than. Instead, follow accounts that provide uplifting advice and realistic representations of parenting. Use social media for inspiration and connection, not for comparison! If necessary, it’s also okay to unplug completely and take a break.

• Asking for help. Parents who struggle with burnout or imposter syndrome often have a hard time asking for help. Unfortunately, this can evolve into a vicious cycle of not reaching out for help when needed, and thus becoming more overwhelmed.  And remember - if you are experiencing parental burnout together with other conditions like depression or anxiety, or if your symptoms are worsening, it is not a sign of weakness to seek help from a licensed professional to help navigate these complex emotions. Asking for and accepting help is one of the best things parents can do for themselves.

• Adjusting expectations. It is not possible to do everything perfectly all of the time. Adjust your expectations to make them more reasonable and achievable, and allow room for relaxation and fun. Becoming hyper focused on perfection will only lead to further disappointment and steal valuable time away from your loved ones. Remember that you can’t always finish your to-do list in one go. Setting priorities that are realistic and aligned with your values can help you feel accomplished and successful. Sometimes, the laundry can wait until the weekend or dishes can stay in the sink overnight. However you choose to prioritize should bring you respite and solace. Sometimes, we need to just have grace with ourselves - we are often kinder to everyone else and set impossible standards for ourselves.

Being a parent is difficult. Being a parent to a special-needs child can be draining. Because of the many roles parents need to fill in order to be successful, we may overlook our own needs. Self-care is absolutely necessary and it is not selfish! Self-care helps you recharge our energy and be present for our loved ones.

Sometimes, we need to take care of ourselves first before we can help those around us.